Thoughts of the Worm

 this species is amazing. They can't bear the thought of you succeeding, and when you do it all by your self, without their support, they want to show that its them who let this happen! This so called "i-give-people-what-they-want" person has his own insecurities when it comes to a woman stepping up and being an equal. I have seen him liking the concept of women being equal, but unable to adjust to this concept when turned into reality. On Friday, he got to know about the announcement that will be sent. Also, I shared my disagreement around the setup and my confidence about taking the interim job. These 3 things changed everything on the weekend. He, without talking to me or anyone, played his dirty politics and got us out of the w-7 program. On top of that tried to manipulate into not sending the announcement. God, thanks for being there and sending this human - he was confident in his decision and trusted me... and sent the announcement. Instead of congratulating me and...

Trusting was always difficult for me. Being vulnerable has never been an option for me because people take advantage when you are vulnerable. And today, I come across this - We need to trust to be vulnerable. We need to be vulnerable in order to build trust. What if I don't want to be vulnerable? does that mean I will never be able to trust or build trust? here is another exercise - people whos opinion really matter to me:  nick baba, big daddy, hell's warth, gotya, jhula, door bhala... that's it. what did I learn from the process of thinking about who belongs in the list? - these are the people who when provide me an opinion I sometimes simply let their opinions engulf me.. like letting them influence me. these turn into motivation factors for me. do i always steam-roll over these important people in my life to gain the acceptance and approval? - NO do i sometimes steam-roll over them if they provide any inputs? - Yes. So, now on i can be conscious when taking advice. list...

Things that might get in my way of practicing and learning new ways of showing up. For the leadership program and this dare to lead exercise, I give myself the permission to - 1. Fail and be okay if I miss a day. 2. to be consistent and submit the assignment by Tuesday eod always. 3. do one exercise per week from the dare to lead workbook. 4. be intentional and really learn rather than mug up, because I know I learn the best with practical unlike school and college where mugging up destroyed everything! 5. ask help and assistance from trustable people around 6. tell my parents of the classes 7. put my video on during the classes :) For the leadership program and this dare to lead exercise, these things I need to show up and do the work - 1. nothing at all - just get my ass up. For the leadership program and this dare to lead exercise, these things will get in the way of you showing up and doing the work - 1. nothing - everything can wait For the leadership program and thi...

I don't like birthday presents or any such presents - giving or taking. presents creep me out. I literally run away from birthdays or occasions where presents are given. I think it all stems from few of things from my past that are itched on my soul. 1) that night, few hours before my mom's birthday, she was sleeping on the floor bed in the living room. I woke her up with all the excitement and I gave her a hair clip. She just nodded, said "what's this? a clip? okay." and just went back to sleep. 2) friend's birthday - I painted a flower vase for her with love. Few days later, I heard her mom saying "painted flower vase is not a gift to be given for a birthday, isn't it?" my friend however told me that she kept that vase in her bedroom on her bedside table. 3) dad's office friend with his family had come over. they had a daughter, maybe same as my age. I liked her and out of love, I went to the fridge, opened it and gave her a kitkat. Once th...

I guess its time for a break. break not for taking some rest, but to let the world know that I need to grow. A break to prove that whatever I am destined to do, I have achieved it. A break to bring a breakthrough. Whatever Naradmuni did, Gyaani-baba is aware that I am pissed off. But the problem is he is self-centered. Not once anyone has asked me how can they help me except the Cadbury gem himself and the hell's warth himself. Hell's warth is the most heavenly person i have met. We converse so well and are aligned so well. That's the effort he is taking, not me - i can sense it. but what the hell... I have things to achieve and do for the folks globally and that's my objective. i will successful only if I am able to write the research paper, complete the ops excellence assignment and complete the program partially successfully. and what troubles me when I am about to sleep is... what next. what after all this is over? I definitely need a family - someone who can take m...

basically i connected my TV to my laptop today. wanted to do something different.. something new. like the way i am... cant stay with the same regime everyday. i guess that's the way my personality has been built. 1) not comfortable with everyday changes. inspect when its getting monotonous and gauge my level, then trigger the change based on my need. 2) maybe i always react to situations that don't show integrity - the case with Billu baba, something always makes me uncomfortable. Am I just like him? Do I advise instead of coaching? Do I manipulate instead of coaching? How do I balance between directing vs coaching vs advising? Should I wear different HATS to think and then take actions? So here is how i start with a purpose of learning a new skill - COACHING Situation:  Naradmuni  comes to me with all situations, dumps on me who said what and directly starts advising based on his assumptions and self- introspection .  Naradmuni   does not spend time to listen ...

The fact is - I have morons around me and if I continue to work with them, I will soon turn into one. Not that everyone is perfect. But its not crime to wish to be working with a group that is incredible and makes you wish to be like them. I always wanted to be working with strong folks upward so that I can be strong and protect my folks. I still want to work with strong folks.... just not sure where to find them. The folks I thought cared for me, are nowhere out there. Folks i thought cared for me in a professional front proved me wrong. Not once they reached out or dropped a note to know about my whereabouts or health or safety.  I am now stuck with folks who are insane, display some of the worst qualities of a leader, always highlight their drawbacks and enacting that weakness are a fad to have. AR doesn't even know how to talk to his reports, show 0% coaching skills and rely on being high gossip mongers... simply mediators and messing up communication instead of letting us...

Somethings have gone “left” instead of “right”. Some items when i looked within myself - BE CALM with everyone! DONT POINT OUT TO ANYONE SPECIFIC!  people can always betray! Remember this! Not everything has to be Shared! Focus only on building skills, receiving feedback - INSPECT & ADAPT 1. i have to spend less time interacting/reacting to the kids and more time with my people and superiors! 2. LISTEN with no intruption till end. Rephrase. Give less instruction and let people be! ask them, “do you want my ideas/suggestions?” 3. I should not be the “sentence grabber” 4. FOCUS on the conversation. You are NOT in a competition, unless I really am in one! When they come with problem- 1) listen full 2) ask where they need help 3) think for a while 4) suggest When SA becomes stubborn- 1) Ask where is the problem 2) Ask what she exactly wants to achieve 3) Ask if it is very urgent and what will happen if not done right away. 4) Ask if she can do it right away. 5) If yes, ask her to d...

Today, I found this - And when at last you find someone to whom you feel you can pour out your soul, you stop in shock at the words you utter - they are so rusty, so ugly, so meaningless and feeble from being kept in the small cramped dark inside you so long. 

Lets see what energies are we talking about here? Ra -  BIG EGO! Too much talking and too much boasting. Doesnt make an attempt to listen. Directs well. Networks well. Likes to ‘mentor’ people. wants to be the hero. I think:  Sense insecurity. Scared of Rv. I should: Not share anything, as i will get nothing. so Only praise him And tell him he is a saviour! ;) Ai - The Guide, MEDIUM EGO! Calm and Collected. Intentional. Friendly. Good Listener. Protects. Advices well. People person. Wants to be called ‘protector’. i think: Needs attention which he doesnt ask for. Doesnt mess with Rv. Tries to show that he is hesitent to hurt me. Tries to be friends, even though he doesnt want to be sometimes. wants followers. I should: show that i am friendly with him and have 200% faith in him. let him believe that i have shown him my most vurnerable side. be as close as possible... literally. Believe but not Trust. Not share any personal stuff. He wants to protects.... so let him do it and T...

Sex does not mean Love. This reality hit hard. Its painful to know that there need not be love to have sex. sex is just sex. just physical. just hormones talking.  love is when you find happiness being with that person. it has got nothing to do with sex. offcourse sex is a bonus. but it has nothing to do with sex. everytime, i think sex means love, it’s proved wrong. some lessons are taught repeatedly to teach us something. Maybe its time for me to learn something that goes against my fairy tale. This view is so different that its disturbing. so hard for me to accept. Lesson #1: do it, enjoy it and ERASE it.  Lesson #2: Its NOT Love! it will never be one.

There are events in life that change the game altogether. They come with a bang and impacts everything - sometimes in a good way and sometimes in a terrible disaster generation way. For me 2020 started with a bang - in the most surprisingly nice different way. touchwood - i hope it continues to be this way. Mixed feelings, fear of judgement, eagerness to be with the right people... to have everything  right. I started with this feeling. Then i met this person. Someone who I never thought would resonate with me. he was trying to decode me.... introvert, extrovert, ambivert... how does it matter? i just hope he is not faking it 😥

its okay my dear. Some people are best kept away from your life. Dont think about them. They never made an effort to be with you or even understand you. why waste time thinking about them? you have done your best to keep things normal and be connected to them. They never appreciated. Everyone has a choice. Make yours :)

It was easy to live through all the hatred, all the confusion, all the anger, all the guilt, all the loss, the blame, the mistakes, the moments when I could barely breathe. It was easy. I died, was born again and died again. Like he says, it all began with a pinky finger. We met yesterday. AS and I. I wasn’t prepared. We met and had a long talk. I with my usual dumb memory and he as usual flaunting his. We spoke about our lives - the 2 years! I was recultant as usual - couldnt let him again into my life so easily. Still, we spoke a lot. It then started with the pinky finger. Went ahead to holding hands, holding each other, hugging each other tight. Then we went home - my home, my den. I showed him around, i let him into my secret world - plants, paintings, books, memories and the lies. I called him Babloo, and that turned out to be his dad’s pet name. weird. We lay on the bed and kissed and hugged for hours together. Ginger water for his bad throat, peanuts and fruits are what we ate. ...

April, May, June, July, August, September! All the while it was Mr.Hairy Potter! He came close.. trying to show me a different world. And I tried being as open I could... except for the office gossips.  All started with a movie - Conjuring. and third movie... he caught my hands... this went on till we kissed! this went on till we cuddled... and now it had to stop! We never spoke much - but there was indeed a lot of action and relaxation. we never over did it. we somehow stopped at cuddles. Anything beyond this was a strict no-no, and we both were aware of it.  He still has my Chillam with him... Chillam yaar- that hookah bowl inside which we put the flavors and then wrap with a foil and place a burning coal on top. Funny how he initiated everything in the beginning and later went all mum.  Funny how he always came home whenever i called him and stayed awake watching movies with me. Funny how letting him go wasnt that difficult as i thought it would be. Funny how we were t...

That feeling - that feeling when you are lost, so much uneasiness and a urge to accomplish something. I am going through his crises right now and I am trying to remain as calm as I can with no use. Feeling completely drowned...like i am being pulled deeper and deeper into this shithole and there is nothing that can pull me put.

I wasnt there for him. When he was angry, I should have been there to pacify him. When he was sad, I should have been there to cheer him up (like on valentine’s day with the Guava mastani) and then give him his time to recover. I should have trusted him more. Believed in him. Should have stopped blaming him for things I knew he has not done. I should have been his support system. Apart from his friends too. Supported him in all his decisions and say. Stood by him in public and correct him personally when he was wrong. Appreciated his time that he spent away from his friends for me, to be with me. He gave up his daily routine for me. He gave into my tantrums of being with me every single day. I took away his space. Shared more of my personal life with him. should have discussed and asked more questions on life goals. Should have discussed more on expectations, values and way of living and gotten alignment with each other. Appreciated and respected more. Given him the space he needed. An...

Is it okay, gaagu; That I laughed a little today I could not hold myself back Just as the other day I couldn’t hold back the tears Don’t blame me please. Don’t even hate me a little. I was at a shopping mall, when one tiny face came dancing towards me And showed me a stuffed owl, similar to the one I brought for you on your birthday I just looked at him and laughed a little. Is it okay? That I ate a burger at KFC I was just on my way back home yesterday And felt hungry since I hadn’t eaten anything You visit KFC whenever they have something new, dont you? The one I ate, was way too oily Wonder if the bitter drops of sweet memories mixed with the oil made it even more greasy Is it okay? That i wanted to watch a movie That I went out and brought two bottles of tuborg I wanted to drink while watching Devdas followed by Casablanca arent these two your favorites and you dint want to watch them with me? that we ended up watching casablanca though Wonder if it was the movie or the beer or...

Came across a meme on facebook that said - "Physcology says people born in February, March, July, October get very angry" What about the others? are they not humans? if I snatch an ice-cream from a girl born in June, can I expect her to give me kisses and hugs? If I hit a person born in January, will the person marry me? well, jokes apart - I do get angry quickly, especially if things don't go my way. And I think.... that is impacting my potential to take decisions and manage people around me. But you know what is the other thing I have with me? Humor! I have been gifted with humor which unfortunately has been hidden away in the closet above which sits our ghost from Conjuring. No one dares to open it too. The only thing that can overcome anger is humor - seeing the lighter side of life. And now that I have done the puking part here (my most fav part), I am at ease. This blog is my drug and I love it that way. Truth Time: my ego is just like my butt - big. So I sent...

Now - this is the second post of the day. Just seconds after my first post of the day. I want to start saying the truth to myself and to others. Truth no 1 - I was married in 2010 and got separated in 2012 (either in April or in July) This by far has been the hardest truth for me to accept. Why have I been running from this? Society. Though I like to fight against the society norms, this phase just kicked me hard in my ass. I dont give a damn about people calling me liar if I choose to not talk or highlight about this. Is it wrong? I dont know - Not talking about this keeps me neutral in a crowd. I wish to start fresh... erase this phase and have people who understand - but that is just not happening. AS used to bring out this topic even though he knew it hurt me. Just a dog who likes to control every relation. Truth no 2 - I love people, being with them gives me energy.... but, I love my space too. My home time where there is no interference. This makes me think many a times - w...