Wednesday, May 24, 2017

Fixed!!??

I walked on queen's street all alone, feeling confident and like a winner i posted my pictures on instagram and facebook. I wanted to show how awesome i am and love to travel all alone. Though i did enjoy those moments, within me was a meek voice that kept waking me up in the nights, kept whispering while i walked down the streets of robertson on way to sunnybank plaza. The meek voice belonged to this soul that was so stubbornly strong and so hard like a rock. That soul had accepted something. That something was a dark past and a dark reality. The soul had grown tired of searching for light. Infact, the soul loved darkness now. It had accepted darkness and embraced it. It left darkness engluf it. It shyed from the light now whereas once it basked in the glory of the light. It replled darkness once and now it repelled light. The soul had changed.
While the soul changed, it let everyone into its shadows. And while doing so, the soul met with an accident. An accident which it thought was just like any other accidents it had come across - 'Blood oozing, bandages tied, medications done and then back to reality'. Somehow this time the wound is still open. The light is forcing itself through the holes and peircing into the soul. This time soul does what its best at - being stubborn to not let the darkness leave it. But the light stays. The soul still thinks darkness will win in the end.. maybe it will. But hw soul wants to try its best. And its confused - leave the darkness.. the cold blooded new found den which is peaceful or submerge into light which has always brought joy and happiness even with all its challenges and heartbreaks.








Sunday, May 21, 2017

BROKE UP to be FIXED!

May 19 - mum's bday! She turns a year younger with all her childish behavior which i hate but slso louv at the same time!! 

And then an exciting thing happens - my heart broke - this time it made no noise. Its yet to realize what has happened. Its in the ignore phase where its doing everything to not think about it. It made me reconnect with so many people! It made me drink tequilla and shut my mind.

Now i sit here wondering why did i not behave mad? Why did i not call him and yell at him? Why did i not aak him what happened? Because till now i have no clue what happened... and should i think about it? My heart wants to... but my mind knows its useless. There will be loads of time wasted just trying to understand what exacy happened! 

Except this time - I thought I lost a piece of my soul. He did not even ask what I wanted. He simply declared that he wanted to separate. It was all my mistake. I always fought for people. I was so sure that he would fight everyone for me. I thougt he would be there. I was very sure - he would accept me for being me, for all my weirdness... for the way I love, for the confused 'me' that I am.

The thing inside doesnt realize what has happened. Something has been crushed. Something inside hurts. Something inside has turned numb.

Should I connect with him without any expectations or just continue ignoring him? I think its time to become a little mature. Knowing my limits is what i have to learn and implement. He cannot use me anymore. No more! No one! I let people trample upon me and they did! Thats not me.... i cannot me nice to people who USE me!

Its time to Buck Up! Its a BREAK UP - yes it is! and its TIME to WAKE UP!! 😎😎😎 its time to draw a line to something that is against what is not RIGHT! 

Give me the strength GOD! :)







Wednesday, April 26, 2017

Sunday, February 19, 2017

johnston

Why Johnston!? Because i am here. 3 weeks down + 1 week prior to this one and it still continues. Not sure if this should continue. A younger guy and a colleague and some unique qualities and a click!  And this time its something that should not work out!! Should not! There is nothing in here.. nothing.. but there are beautiful conversations that never tires either of us.
22nd Jan - whatsapp'd the entire night.. never did we know each other... it was just the start.
24th Jan - the crew. Our first movie and we rocked it. So much convo!
25th Jan - spent doing all the conversation
and late food at the station. Fingers intertwined and observed the stars!
27th Jan - hugs and a kiss on the cheek exchanged. Nothing more - and it was a bye. 

But things were a different. We spoke everyday and we still do... weird but true. Nothing that i want to accept, but true.

i dont want to get into it.This will not last - its not meant to and i will not try. It never works and it shouldnt! And it wont. Nothing did so why would this one?

But it started today - he just said that his life would be better if we dont talk! 
And i watch before sunrise, before midnight. She is similar to me. Weird, lots of ideas, lots of thoughts, searching for love, blogging, cats, independent, alone but not lonely and a lot more :)

I sure have a lot of awarness but i think its time we stop talking..its time things just stop! :) they are never getting further!