Saturday, March 31, 2018

Fun Facts

I wasnt there for him. When he was angry, I should have been there to pacify him.

When he was sad, I should have been there to cheer him up (like on valentine’s day with the Guava mastani) and then give him his time to recover.

I should have trusted him more. Believed in him. Should have stopped blaming him for things I knew he has not done.

I should have been his support system. Apart from his friends too. Supported him in all his decisions and say. Stood by him in public and correct him personally when he was wrong.

Appreciated his time that he spent away from his friends for me, to be with me. He gave up his daily routine for me. He gave into my tantrums of being with me every single day. I took away his space.

Shared more of my personal life with him. should have discussed and asked more questions on life goals.

Should have discussed more on expectations, values and way of living and gotten alignment with each other.

Appreciated and respected more. Given him the space he needed. And should have been more truthful and trusted him more. Overall, should have been gentle with him.

Friday, March 30, 2018

is it Okay?

Is it okay, gaagu;
That I laughed a little today
I could not hold myself back
Just as the other day I couldn’t hold back the tears
Don’t blame me please. Don’t even hate me a little.
I was at a shopping mall, when one tiny face came dancing towards me
And showed me a stuffed owl, similar to the one I brought for you on your birthday
I just looked at him and laughed a little.

Is it okay?
That I ate a burger at KFC
I was just on my way back home yesterday
And felt hungry since I hadn’t eaten anything
You visit KFC whenever they have something new, dont you?
The one I ate, was way too oily
Wonder if the bitter drops of sweet memories mixed with the oil made it even more greasy

Is it okay?
That i wanted to watch a movie
That I went out and brought two bottles of tuborg
I wanted to drink while watching Devdas followed by Casablanca
arent these two your favorites and you dint want to watch them with me?
that we ended up watching casablanca though
Wonder if it was the movie or the beer or the memories of your constant interruption to make sure i understand, that had me weeping the entire night

And I didn’t think about you too much today
Is it okay?
That you’ve not only left,
But also left a void in me
That the world somehow fills up.

Saturday, February 24, 2018

Anger Management

Came across a meme on facebook that said - "Physcology says people born in February, March, July, October get very angry" What about the others? are they not humans? if I snatch an ice-cream from a girl born in June, can I expect her to give me kisses and hugs? If I hit a person born in January, will the person marry me? well, jokes apart - I do get angry quickly, especially if things don't go my way. And I think.... that is impacting my potential to take decisions and manage people around me.

But you know what is the other thing I have with me? Humor! I have been gifted with humor which unfortunately has been hidden away in the closet above which sits our ghost from Conjuring. No one dares to open it too. The only thing that can overcome anger is humor - seeing the lighter side of life.

And now that I have done the puking part here (my most fav part), I am at ease. This blog is my drug and I love it that way.

Truth Time: my ego is just like my butt - big. So I sent him another email last night, poured my fucking emotions out hoping he will feel more devastated and will come back to me. which I know that ego-filled moron will not :D I think an army person will be the best match for me!

Monday, February 19, 2018

Being True starts here!

Now - this is the second post of the day. Just seconds after my first post of the day. I want to start saying the truth to myself and to others.

Truth no 1 - I was married in 2010 and got separated in 2012 (either in April or in July)
This by far has been the hardest truth for me to accept. Why have I been running from this? Society. Though I like to fight against the society norms, this phase just kicked me hard in my ass. I dont give a damn about people calling me liar if I choose to not talk or highlight about this. Is it wrong? I dont know - Not talking about this keeps me neutral in a crowd. I wish to start fresh... erase this phase and have people who understand - but that is just not happening. AS used to bring out this topic even though he knew it hurt me. Just a dog who likes to control every relation.


Truth no 2 - I love people, being with them gives me energy.... but, I love my space too. My home time where there is no interference. This makes me think many a times - what kind of a partner who be perfect for me? Love with space and an independent partner - who listens to my tantrums, we listen to each others life and share happenings. I love this concept and want it to happen.

Talking to NM now. Will write more later!

Beauty of this Life

Its that phase again - Fall in Love, Break your soul, Break your mind and finally sit and mourn. Its over again - and this time for real. But I promised something - If you really want something, the entire world comes together and conspires to help you to achieve it. I want him - I want us to be together - But who am I lying to? I know we both are different - our habits, our thoughts, our people, our company - everything is different, but still I say I love him. Why? What for? What am I afraid of? Being alone? or Seeing him with someone else? or both? He asked and I couldnt answer. I lied that I am afraid of losing him. I wasnt really - I am not. What I am afraid of is not having someone to cuddle with. I am afraid of being alone in this world - just sometime.. umm maybe 50% of the time.. nope - more than that. Physical needs or Emotional needs, companionship, love, belonging ness - I go through every single human emotion and need. Lies, Jealously, Selfishness, Manipulating people around me - I do everything that a human does. I cry for no reason, I fake my emotions at times... well many times - I dont want to do it - I want to start fresh. But I want to start with him and thats not happening. its driving me crazy - another human emotion. Cant stand working with him. I might .. I will not function well if he is there. what is this emotion? let me google it. Trying to read the neuroscience of seeing an ex. I cant believe we are exes. He said he loved me - i somehow cant trust him - I totally unable to do so. But I still want us to be together - I dont know why.
So basically I am just rambling right now. I have to start to be true to myself and to others. Thats the only thing I learnt - nothing else. Right now, I am too lazy to write anything more. Honestly, too lazy and a cloud of jealously hovering my head.

Now what has the title of this post got to do with anything that I written here? :P

Tuesday, October 17, 2017

Retro

She has been through a long way. She started off on a green island - Thorns were her Flowers, Murky Water her Savior and Poisonous fruits were her food. Sunlight was her Shade and the Sky, her Blanket. Stones were her slippers and Gossips protected her from Sunburn. Every antibody that destroyed her immune system gave her the Oxygen to breathe.The Hatred she received from every Soul on her way was the Love that kept her alive.

On her way, she encountered different types of Souls - Souls that made fun of her for she looked hideous. Souls that took pity on her for she ate the poisonous berries fallen on the sidewalks. Some silently admired her for she traveled on her own, nevertheless they passed snide remarks.Some, just gossiped for they needed to feed their ego. Some loved her for who she was and hence choose to spend some time with her, and when the time came to bid good bye; some did, some did not - they just disappeared into thin air leaving her stoned to the ground - the road with pebbles on a hot afternoon that burned her feet, but she could do nothing - those were her slippers. So, she stood still, waiting for the Moon to rise. Her soulmate! The Moon finally set its light on her.
And from far away, a soul saw a diamond, so bright, so hard, so astonishing and so magnificent still trying to find her path through the rocky road.

Thursday, October 05, 2017

Lost a Part of my Soul

LOST COOKIE forever! 

it was foolish of me to go insane after a person for who i mean nothing. it was my mistake i did not take  cookie mango to heliconia. I was too worried about a person who broke up with me because he feels nothing for me. It was my fault that i thought i should meet him instead of making sure cookie mango are safe! now 2 souls suffer - mango and myself. its suffocating knowing cookie is no more. She loved me so much i could see that in her eyes. everytime after a shower she would rub herself against me. its never going to happen any more. who will eat the vegemite. fuck this world and the people for who i would move the world. its really difficult to accept that cookie is no more. my child, my baby... whereever you are, stay safe gondi... you dont have to worry anymore.   just forgive me if you can. one day we will meet... until then stay safe gondi. i made a mistake and you and mango had to pay. 

it must have been a terrible night for you, isnt it gondi? all alone with no one by your side...specially your mom not being there. the one whos arms would have kept you safe come what may. i am sorry i wasnt there when you needed me.