I Promise you baby...

Today you left me. How i had wanted you to stay with me for the next 100 + years. How cruel can god be at times. I didnt come to see you... you know why? Because I cant see you being taken away from me. You were my baby, my little red cheeked baby, who's smile lightened my whole atmosphere. I don't want to believe people who say you are no more. I'll sense you everyday, every moment. I run my fingers through the sand-art you gave me. I feel so nice, so calm as if you saying, "Come sis, I'll show you how to do it"

I dunt want to believe you are no more. Those who say this are liars...They can't see the smile on your face. They envy you. Remember baby... You'll always be with me, come what may, you will always be the one I will call for when I'm troubled or tensed.

You left me to enter a new world. why? I would have loved you more than anyone else. Why did you do this to your parents? I know you did nothing... you were a very good boy, a boy who never troubled anyone. You were every one's favorite... then why does god pick up only the most beautiful fruit?

I still can believe it baby... I still can't and I don't want to Either!!

On 23rd Dec 1997, a little bunch of happiness was born to my maternal uncle and his wife. When I first saw him, he was just the size of my hand.. no, even smaller than that. Then I touched his cheeks and yelled, 'mum, hes soo red and soft.' Thereafter, he became my favorite. I treated him just like my baby. Each time I visited their place, I fed him, we played together. I loved to tickle him... only to see that cute chubby smile on his face. I would have done anything for him, that much I loved him and you know what are his best features? His fingers!.. they are so long and so beautiful, which only showed how artistically he is inclined.Oh by the way, his name is Kirtan.

I clearly remember when at the age of two he once visited my place and later at the time when they were about to leave, he started crying only because he didn't want to leave me... he wanted to stay with me, play with me and listen to stories. He never stayed overnight at anyone's place except for mine. I remember how that entire night I kept repeating the same stories and finally when he slept he was all over me and I had to pat him every now n then.

Today... I get call at around 12.30 pm from Shyamala (kirtan's elder sister) saying, 'kirtan has been taken to the hospital. Your mummy has come here and nobody's telling me what has happened' I ask mum and she says, 'Hes serious and nothing much'.

All this started when Kirtan was 3 years old. He started developing black spots all over his body. Some tests were done and things became hectic for his parents as well as mine. Even I was kept under dark. Later after much coaxing and all, dad told me he was diagnosed with Acute Luekemia. I couldn't believe it. I kept saying.."Its just a nightmare... it will all be fine tomorrow. Nothing has happened to him."

Then one day I went to his place... he had undergone chemotherapy then. I saw him and I was stoned to the ground. I didn't have the guts to see him in that state. He had some device attached to his chest and he had lost almost all his body hair. Since that day on, my visits to his place declined. One may feel, being so close to him, why the hell did I stop paying him visits and that too during these tough times. That's so insensitive of me. Yes. I'm insensitive. I couldnt stand seeing a 5 year old kid, a kid who is more like my own child having a device drilled into his chest. Call me whatever you want to.

Today at 3:00, dad called me up again telling me to reach home as soon as possible. Kirtan is more than serious. I was scared. But didnt let things show up in my voice. I said, 'I'm hungry and will have lunch here and then reach home'.

I reached home at around 4:00 today. Disguising a carefree attitude I ask, "what happened.".. Dad says, 'Hes no more"

I put up a brave front... and ask him, 'how and when' he says "morning at around 10:30." A pulp had formed in my throat by now and I wanted to cry out loud, but how could I? All I ask dad is, 'Why Him?' and no sooner I say these words, I burst out crying.

I was in the bus today at 10:30 trying to solve out the project flowchart and functions. I had peeped into the watch exactly at 10:30 and I was at Marol.

And now, even after all this, I do not wish to go to their place. Dad and me went to his place at 5:00 and as soon as we neared their building lift, I tell dad, 'lets go back I can't face it'. Now I'm here, doing what? Blogging. That is all I can do.. Blog.. I hate myself for this. I hate myself for not being strong enough to hold back my tears. I hate myself for not gathering the courage to see him for the last time.. only because I would burst out. But that's the truth... I won't be able to hide it when I see him. And why should I believe he is no more... why should I go there and force myself to believe he does not exist any more. He is still here... with me. I can sense it. The painting that he had given me will always hang here right in front of my desk. The moment I remember him, I'll run my fingers through it... as I always do. I promise u baby, you will always be alive for me, through this painting.

How do I see the kid i had once held in my own arms lying on the floor ready to be cremeted. How to do I see that innocent face lying numb for which I was ready to do anything. I'm nothing but a coward. Hate me for this, I have no qualms. All I want to ask God is, "Why Him?" well, all ask this question, "Why only my child?" But today, I donot care about anyone... I don't give a damn to any one.. All I want to know is "Why him?"

I noticed one thing
Born: 23rd Dec - Tuesday
Left : 23rd Sept - Tuesday

All I pray is, wherever my baby is, let no pain in the world touch him.