Thoughts of the Worm

It was easy to live through all the hatred, all the confusion, all the anger, all the guilt, all the loss, the blame, the mistakes, the moments when I could barely breathe. It was easy. I died, was born again and died again. Like he says, it all began with a pinky finger. We met yesterday. AS and I. I wasn’t prepared. We met and had a long talk. I with my usual dumb memory and he as usual flaunting his. We spoke about our lives - the 2 years! I was recultant as usual - couldnt let him again into my life so easily. Still, we spoke a lot. It then started with the pinky finger. Went ahead to holding hands, holding each other, hugging each other tight. Then we went home - my home, my den. I showed him around, i let him into my secret world - plants, paintings, books, memories and the lies. I called him Babloo, and that turned out to be his dad’s pet name. weird. We lay on the bed and kissed and hugged for hours together. Ginger water for his bad throat, peanuts and fruits are what we ate. ...

April, May, June, July, August, September! All the while it was Mr.Hairy Potter! He came close.. trying to show me a different world. And I tried being as open I could... except for the office gossips.  All started with a movie - Conjuring. and third movie... he caught my hands... this went on till we kissed! this went on till we cuddled... and now it had to stop! We never spoke much - but there was indeed a lot of action and relaxation. we never over did it. we somehow stopped at cuddles. Anything beyond this was a strict no-no, and we both were aware of it.  He still has my Chillam with him... Chillam yaar- that hookah bowl inside which we put the flavors and then wrap with a foil and place a burning coal on top. Funny how he initiated everything in the beginning and later went all mum.  Funny how he always came home whenever i called him and stayed awake watching movies with me. Funny how letting him go wasnt that difficult as i thought it would be. Funny how we were t...

That feeling - that feeling when you are lost, so much uneasiness and a urge to accomplish something. I am going through his crises right now and I am trying to remain as calm as I can with no use. Feeling completely drowned...like i am being pulled deeper and deeper into this shithole and there is nothing that can pull me put.

I wasnt there for him. When he was angry, I should have been there to pacify him. When he was sad, I should have been there to cheer him up (like on valentine’s day with the Guava mastani) and then give him his time to recover. I should have trusted him more. Believed in him. Should have stopped blaming him for things I knew he has not done. I should have been his support system. Apart from his friends too. Supported him in all his decisions and say. Stood by him in public and correct him personally when he was wrong. Appreciated his time that he spent away from his friends for me, to be with me. He gave up his daily routine for me. He gave into my tantrums of being with me every single day. I took away his space. Shared more of my personal life with him. should have discussed and asked more questions on life goals. Should have discussed more on expectations, values and way of living and gotten alignment with each other. Appreciated and respected more. Given him the space he needed. An...

Is it okay, gaagu; That I laughed a little today I could not hold myself back Just as the other day I couldn’t hold back the tears Don’t blame me please. Don’t even hate me a little. I was at a shopping mall, when one tiny face came dancing towards me And showed me a stuffed owl, similar to the one I brought for you on your birthday I just looked at him and laughed a little. Is it okay? That I ate a burger at KFC I was just on my way back home yesterday And felt hungry since I hadn’t eaten anything You visit KFC whenever they have something new, dont you? The one I ate, was way too oily Wonder if the bitter drops of sweet memories mixed with the oil made it even more greasy Is it okay? That i wanted to watch a movie That I went out and brought two bottles of tuborg I wanted to drink while watching Devdas followed by Casablanca arent these two your favorites and you dint want to watch them with me? that we ended up watching casablanca though Wonder if it was the movie or the beer or...

Came across a meme on facebook that said - "Physcology says people born in February, March, July, October get very angry" What about the others? are they not humans? if I snatch an ice-cream from a girl born in June, can I expect her to give me kisses and hugs? If I hit a person born in January, will the person marry me? well, jokes apart - I do get angry quickly, especially if things don't go my way. And I think.... that is impacting my potential to take decisions and manage people around me. But you know what is the other thing I have with me? Humor! I have been gifted with humor which unfortunately has been hidden away in the closet above which sits our ghost from Conjuring. No one dares to open it too. The only thing that can overcome anger is humor - seeing the lighter side of life. And now that I have done the puking part here (my most fav part), I am at ease. This blog is my drug and I love it that way. Truth Time: my ego is just like my butt - big. So I sent...

Now - this is the second post of the day. Just seconds after my first post of the day. I want to start saying the truth to myself and to others. Truth no 1 - I was married in 2010 and got separated in 2012 (either in April or in July) This by far has been the hardest truth for me to accept. Why have I been running from this? Society. Though I like to fight against the society norms, this phase just kicked me hard in my ass. I dont give a damn about people calling me liar if I choose to not talk or highlight about this. Is it wrong? I dont know - Not talking about this keeps me neutral in a crowd. I wish to start fresh... erase this phase and have people who understand - but that is just not happening. AS used to bring out this topic even though he knew it hurt me. Just a dog who likes to control every relation. Truth no 2 - I love people, being with them gives me energy.... but, I love my space too. My home time where there is no interference. This makes me think many a times - w...