Thoughts of the Worm

Why Johnston!? Because i am here. 3 weeks down + 1 week prior to this one and it still continues. Not sure if this should continue. A younger guy and a colleague and some unique qualities and a click!  And this time its something that should not work out!! Should not! There is nothing in here.. nothing.. but there are beautiful conversations that never tires either of us. 22nd Jan - whatsapp'd the entire night.. never did we know each other... it was just the start. 24th Jan - the crew. Our first movie and we rocked it. So much convo! 25th Jan - spent doing all the conversation and late food at the station. Fingers intertwined and observed the stars! 27th Jan - hugs and a kiss on the cheek exchanged. Nothing more - and it was a bye.  But things were a different. We spoke everyday and we still do... weird but true. Nothing that i want to accept, but true. i dont want to get into it.This  will not last - its not meant to and i will not try. It never works and it shouldnt! A...

He says she craves for direct attention. And if she continues he will may leave her forever. This was all she needed from him to let him go. All she had craved was a little attention from the person she liked and was the most comfortable with. She was never reciprocated with the love she offered. And now all this was turning her into someone who was 'okay' with the 'temporary' things in life. Maybe thats what she has to learn in this life. Nothing is permanent - not friends, not family, no one around her. There is only one thing that will stay with her forever - memories. Maybe the goal is to live in the present. Love the people she meets as much as she could - realize that these moments will never return... Not everyone will like her and its okay. Maybe she is the good thing that needs to happen to others - and thats why, to begin with, she was born to a couple who craved for a child for 10 long years. Maybe thats why she completed her studies without any additional ex...

Its happening again :) running away from the most important person for  me. I now doubt if that person who i think of as the most important.. actually is. Maybe its God's way of saying - nothing is important or permanent. Maybe i am learning in this birth. How am i suppose to value relations if all i got till date is rejection from people i consider as important. Maybe... just maybe.. they have gone away because i pushed them away. Maybe.. i think the best way to avoid all the emotions is to be unattached and run as soon as i sense a threat.  A threatening situation that makes me vulnerable and shows me as one to the world. I still fail to understand what scares me if I show how vulnerable i can become for few people.... how easily can i begin to trust and assume that nothing bad will happen! I cannot change myself anymore - but i will try different ways to learn. I will keep my ego aside. Come what may - i want to learn what is it that i have been avoiding. I will be happy al...

This is exactly how i feel today! No.. since yesterday night. Caught in a  maze. Confused.. on one side i see my values staring right into my eyes and piercing through my soul. On another side, i see open mindedness.. well eh not really open mindedness.. but the urge to do what people do - what friends do together - how to socialize - how to start anew! Having being brought up in a very conservative family, i was never exposed to socializing. Had no best friends because parents believed one will end up spending a lot and also the character is messed up drama. I dont blame them entirely because they only to protect me... but the outcome of that was a 'confused me' all my socializing skills were trampled upon and i could never mould them to turn into a better person. That gave birth to two minds - the i-rock-around-people mind and the i-want-to-be-with-myself mind. And my mind swings led to my mood swings. I blame no one, but i want to request all the parents out there  - dont d...

Its been years! Kirtan was born today in 1997. He left us in 2006. Life goes on... but memories remain. My tom cat reminds me of him. Do you remember... when you brought him home, though you yelled at him once, he always wanted to be with you. He had slept on your tummy and you made all the efforts to make sure he doesnt wake up. He loved being with you and you with him. Something changed after all this. You stopped getting close to kids - fearing they will boost attachment and then mom will come into picture and try to win them over. And it will be mom and them. You would be lying in a corner wondering why did mom do this to you - why does she not support you. This is followed by mood swings and the feeling of hatred for mum. Ugh - life goes now... time stops for no one. I will lose them all one day - and i will miss them. When i go away - no one will! :)

Okay. I am sorry - i stopped writing few years ago. No! Infact i tried getting a new blog.. starting fresh and stuff. But it barely did help. My last post was on 2013. Ghosh! I have vague memories of what happened after that. *paused for a while* umm i just took myself down the memory lane. I broke up with the man i loved the most. Nope it wasnt a break up. It was me trying to show him that i did not give a shit if he leaves me. And also that I can easily fall in love AGAIN. That was my ego talking because what happens after that changes my life forever. I was determined to fall in love and get married. Came across this wonderul guy who promises me the best of all the world. And there i was feeling proud of myself that somebody loves me. Meanwhile.. did i let out that i adopted two kitties?? The most wonderful thing to happen to me!! Anyway, i'll talk about them later. So here i am determined to marry this guy who is not of the same national as i am - basically a NRI.  He got headl...