speechless

Okay. I am sorry - i stopped writing few years ago. No! Infact i tried getting a new blog.. starting fresh and stuff. But it barely did help. My last post was on 2013. Ghosh! I have vague memories of what happened after that. *paused for a while* umm i just took myself down the memory lane.

I broke up with the man i loved the most. Nope it wasnt a break up. It was me trying to show him that i did not give a shit if he leaves me. And also that I can easily fall in love AGAIN. That was my ego talking because what happens after that changes my life forever. I was determined to fall in love and get married. Came across this wonderul guy who promises me the best of all the world. And there i was feeling proud of myself that somebody loves me. Meanwhile.. did i let out that i adopted two kitties?? The most wonderful thing to happen to me!! Anyway, i'll talk about them later. So here i am determined to marry this guy who is not of the same national as i am - basically a NRI.  He got headlong into getting hooked up with me. Strabge!! Never met but wanted to get officially engaged on the first meet!! Phew stressful! They wanted us to get married on his first visit to this nation. Whaa the fudge! Mimosa!! Somehow i delayed the wedding stuff and god alone know why.. i got officially engaged. Long story short.. i broke up within 6 months. Found that i was comparing every guy i met to my ex-i-dont-know-what friend! I never thought i was turning into a jackass! Nevermind. So, i break up and put a stop to my moving to another country where my organization was willing to move me to. Fuck the ba***rd! I move to a new apartment - meet this really nice guy - hang around at each others place - and eventually i fall for him! My-life-sucks! He being very polite.. ignores me to the maximum so that i get used to living alone. We do become close.. atleast thats what i think.. but one night and everything has changed. One intimate night can change an entire history in the making. Then came possessiveness.. and the uncomfortable feeling. And the realization that intimacy can change relations.. they bring the truth forward. They show the real person in you.. your ability to forgive yourself and move on.

I discovered my fears.. i faced them this time.

I gave in to lust only to realize they arent worth a dime.

I face a guy i loved.. i face a guy i want to be with forever but he doesnt.. i face my people who want the best in me.. i face my people who are possessive and selfish about me.. I face people who are waiting for me to make mistakes..

And i face them all alone! Oh wait a minute.. i have my angles with me who protect me every minute... how do you think i survived all this? Oh wait.. this is not survival.. survival is what soldiera do on the border.. survival is what their families do after they sacrifice their lives.. survival is what a mother does when her child is on the death bed.. survival is a child watching his father getting shot.. that is survival.. what i did by going crazy over few guys who broke my heart and soul is stupidity!

Get over it mate!