Thoughts of the Worm

That feeling - that feeling when you are lost, so much uneasiness and a urge to accomplish something. I am going through his crises right now and I am trying to remain as calm as I can with no use. Feeling completely drowned...like i am being pulled deeper and deeper into this shithole and there is nothing that can pull me put.

I wasnt there for him. When he was angry, I should have been there to pacify him. When he was sad, I should have been there to cheer him up (like on valentine’s day with the Guava mastani) and then give him his time to recover. I should have trusted him more. Believed in him. Should have stopped blaming him for things I knew he has not done. I should have been his support system. Apart from his friends too. Supported him in all his decisions and say. Stood by him in public and correct him personally when he was wrong. Appreciated his time that he spent away from his friends for me, to be with me. He gave up his daily routine for me. He gave into my tantrums of being with me every single day. I took away his space. Shared more of my personal life with him. should have discussed and asked more questions on life goals. Should have discussed more on expectations, values and way of living and gotten alignment with each other. Appreciated and respected more. Given him the space he needed. An...

Is it okay, gaagu; That I laughed a little today I could not hold myself back Just as the other day I couldn’t hold back the tears Don’t blame me please. Don’t even hate me a little. I was at a shopping mall, when one tiny face came dancing towards me And showed me a stuffed owl, similar to the one I brought for you on your birthday I just looked at him and laughed a little. Is it okay? That I ate a burger at KFC I was just on my way back home yesterday And felt hungry since I hadn’t eaten anything You visit KFC whenever they have something new, dont you? The one I ate, was way too oily Wonder if the bitter drops of sweet memories mixed with the oil made it even more greasy Is it okay? That i wanted to watch a movie That I went out and brought two bottles of tuborg I wanted to drink while watching Devdas followed by Casablanca arent these two your favorites and you dint want to watch them with me? that we ended up watching casablanca though Wonder if it was the movie or the beer or...

Came across a meme on facebook that said - "Physcology says people born in February, March, July, October get very angry" What about the others? are they not humans? if I snatch an ice-cream from a girl born in June, can I expect her to give me kisses and hugs? If I hit a person born in January, will the person marry me? well, jokes apart - I do get angry quickly, especially if things don't go my way. And I think.... that is impacting my potential to take decisions and manage people around me. But you know what is the other thing I have with me? Humor! I have been gifted with humor which unfortunately has been hidden away in the closet above which sits our ghost from Conjuring. No one dares to open it too. The only thing that can overcome anger is humor - seeing the lighter side of life. And now that I have done the puking part here (my most fav part), I am at ease. This blog is my drug and I love it that way. Truth Time: my ego is just like my butt - big. So I sent...

Now - this is the second post of the day. Just seconds after my first post of the day. I want to start saying the truth to myself and to others. Truth no 1 - I was married in 2010 and got separated in 2012 (either in April or in July) This by far has been the hardest truth for me to accept. Why have I been running from this? Society. Though I like to fight against the society norms, this phase just kicked me hard in my ass. I dont give a damn about people calling me liar if I choose to not talk or highlight about this. Is it wrong? I dont know - Not talking about this keeps me neutral in a crowd. I wish to start fresh... erase this phase and have people who understand - but that is just not happening. AS used to bring out this topic even though he knew it hurt me. Just a dog who likes to control every relation. Truth no 2 - I love people, being with them gives me energy.... but, I love my space too. My home time where there is no interference. This makes me think many a times - w...

Its that phase again - Fall in Love, Break your soul, Break your mind and finally sit and mourn. Its over again - and this time for real. But I promised something - If you really want something, the entire world comes together and conspires to help you to achieve it. I want him - I want us to be together - But who am I lying to? I know we both are different - our habits, our thoughts, our people, our company - everything is different, but still I say I love him. Why? What for? What am I afraid of? Being alone? or Seeing him with someone else? or both? He asked and I couldnt answer. I lied that I am afraid of losing him. I wasnt really - I am not. What I am afraid of is not having someone to cuddle with. I am afraid of being alone in this world - just sometime.. umm maybe 50% of the time.. nope - more than that. Physical needs or Emotional needs, companionship, love, belonging ness - I go through every single human emotion and need. Lies, Jealously, Selfishness, Manipulating people arou...

She has been through a long way. She started off on a green island - Thorns were her Flowers, Murky Water her Savior and Poisonous fruits were her food. Sunlight was her Shade and the Sky, her Blanket. Stones were her slippers and Gossips protected her from Sunburn. Every antibody that destroyed her immune system gave her the Oxygen to breathe.The Hatred she received from every Soul on her way was the Love that kept her alive. On her way, she encountered different types of Souls - Souls that made fun of her for she looked hideous. Souls that took pity on her for she ate the poisonous berries fallen on the sidewalks. Some silently admired her for she traveled on her own, nevertheless they passed snide remarks.Some, just gossiped for they needed to feed their ego. Some loved her for who she was and hence choose to spend some time with her, and when the time came to bid good bye; some did, some did not - they just disappeared into thin air leaving her stoned to the ground - the road wi...