Thoughts of the Worm

I walked on queen's street all alone, feeling confident and like a winner i posted my pictures on instagram and facebook. I wanted to show how awesome i am and love to travel all alone. Though i did enjoy those moments, within me was a meek voice that kept waking me up in the nights, kept whispering while i walked down the streets of robertson on way to sunnybank plaza. The meek voice belonged to this soul that was so stubbornly strong and so hard like a rock. That soul had accepted something. That something was a dark past and a dark reality. The soul had grown tired of searching for light. Infact, the soul loved darkness now. It had accepted darkness and embraced it. It left darkness engluf it. It shyed from the light now whereas once it basked in the glory of the light. It replled darkness once and now it repelled light. The soul had changed. While the soul changed, it let everyone into its shadows. And while doing so, the soul met with an accident. An accident which it thought ...

May 19 - mum's bday! She turns a year younger with all her childish behavior which i hate but slso louv at the same time!!  And then an exciting thing happens - my heart broke - this time it made no noise. Its yet to realize what has happened. Its in the ignore phase where its doing everything to not think about it. It made me reconnect with so many people! It made me drink tequilla and shut my mind. Now i sit here wondering why did i not behave mad? Why did i not call him and yell at him? Why did i not aak him what happened? Because till now i have no clue what happened... and should i think about it? My heart wants to... but my mind knows its useless. There will be loads of time wasted just trying to understand what exacy happened!  Except this time - I thought I lost a piece of my soul. He did not even ask what I wanted. He simply declared that he wanted to separate. It was all my mistake. I always fought for people.  I was so sure that he would fight everyone for me. ...

Why Johnston!? Because i am here. 3 weeks down + 1 week prior to this one and it still continues. Not sure if this should continue. A younger guy and a colleague and some unique qualities and a click!  And this time its something that should not work out!! Should not! There is nothing in here.. nothing.. but there are beautiful conversations that never tires either of us. 22nd Jan - whatsapp'd the entire night.. never did we know each other... it was just the start. 24th Jan - the crew. Our first movie and we rocked it. So much convo! 25th Jan - spent doing all the conversation and late food at the station. Fingers intertwined and observed the stars! 27th Jan - hugs and a kiss on the cheek exchanged. Nothing more - and it was a bye.  But things were a different. We spoke everyday and we still do... weird but true. Nothing that i want to accept, but true. i dont want to get into it.This  will not last - its not meant to and i will not try. It never works and it shouldnt! A...

He says she craves for direct attention. And if she continues he will may leave her forever. This was all she needed from him to let him go. All she had craved was a little attention from the person she liked and was the most comfortable with. She was never reciprocated with the love she offered. And now all this was turning her into someone who was 'okay' with the 'temporary' things in life. Maybe thats what she has to learn in this life. Nothing is permanent - not friends, not family, no one around her. There is only one thing that will stay with her forever - memories. Maybe the goal is to live in the present. Love the people she meets as much as she could - realize that these moments will never return... Not everyone will like her and its okay. Maybe she is the good thing that needs to happen to others - and thats why, to begin with, she was born to a couple who craved for a child for 10 long years. Maybe thats why she completed her studies without any additional ex...

Its happening again :) running away from the most important person for  me. I now doubt if that person who i think of as the most important.. actually is. Maybe its God's way of saying - nothing is important or permanent. Maybe i am learning in this birth. How am i suppose to value relations if all i got till date is rejection from people i consider as important. Maybe... just maybe.. they have gone away because i pushed them away. Maybe.. i think the best way to avoid all the emotions is to be unattached and run as soon as i sense a threat.  A threatening situation that makes me vulnerable and shows me as one to the world. I still fail to understand what scares me if I show how vulnerable i can become for few people.... how easily can i begin to trust and assume that nothing bad will happen! I cannot change myself anymore - but i will try different ways to learn. I will keep my ego aside. Come what may - i want to learn what is it that i have been avoiding. I will be happy al...