Thoughts of the Worm

This is exactly how i feel today! No.. since yesterday night. Caught in a  maze. Confused.. on one side i see my values staring right into my eyes and piercing through my soul. On another side, i see open mindedness.. well eh not really open mindedness.. but the urge to do what people do - what friends do together - how to socialize - how to start anew! Having being brought up in a very conservative family, i was never exposed to socializing. Had no best friends because parents believed one will end up spending a lot and also the character is messed up drama. I dont blame them entirely because they only to protect me... but the outcome of that was a 'confused me' all my socializing skills were trampled upon and i could never mould them to turn into a better person. That gave birth to two minds - the i-rock-around-people mind and the i-want-to-be-with-myself mind. And my mind swings led to my mood swings. I blame no one, but i want to request all the parents out there  - dont d...

Its been years! Kirtan was born today in 1997. He left us in 2006. Life goes on... but memories remain. My tom cat reminds me of him. Do you remember... when you brought him home, though you yelled at him once, he always wanted to be with you. He had slept on your tummy and you made all the efforts to make sure he doesnt wake up. He loved being with you and you with him. Something changed after all this. You stopped getting close to kids - fearing they will boost attachment and then mom will come into picture and try to win them over. And it will be mom and them. You would be lying in a corner wondering why did mom do this to you - why does she not support you. This is followed by mood swings and the feeling of hatred for mum. Ugh - life goes now... time stops for no one. I will lose them all one day - and i will miss them. When i go away - no one will! :)

Okay. I am sorry - i stopped writing few years ago. No! Infact i tried getting a new blog.. starting fresh and stuff. But it barely did help. My last post was on 2013. Ghosh! I have vague memories of what happened after that. *paused for a while* umm i just took myself down the memory lane. I broke up with the man i loved the most. Nope it wasnt a break up. It was me trying to show him that i did not give a shit if he leaves me. And also that I can easily fall in love AGAIN. That was my ego talking because what happens after that changes my life forever. I was determined to fall in love and get married. Came across this wonderul guy who promises me the best of all the world. And there i was feeling proud of myself that somebody loves me. Meanwhile.. did i let out that i adopted two kitties?? The most wonderful thing to happen to me!! Anyway, i'll talk about them later. So here i am determined to marry this guy who is not of the same national as i am - basically a NRI.  He got headl...

Actions speak louder than words. Some keep blabbering about all the wrongs in a relationship, but never leave. Some, on the contrary, never talk.. never communicate... just leave! They enforce misunderstanding to build up, never clear them - they expect Silence to clear misunderstandings. And then one fine day, they Return giving a justification - "That person wasn't like you". You are reluctant at first - keep questioning what really made them return, but you never get a convincing answer. You do succumb, but a question always lingers in the darkest corner of your mind - Will this person who disappeared without giving a reason, who never gave a thought about your well being, who never looked back.... stay forever? - you begin to question their integrity - the strength of their character. People make mistakes - we're humans after all. I make mistakes all the time - but I do ensure I learn something out of it. And what I know is People do not change. We may divert...

Nothing to write... but a lot to express. Sometimes you think over it.. again and again - couple of times a day, but in the end, all you realize is it was never worth it. You gave in many times, dis-regard the assumptions, ignore those millions of advice and suggestions - after all you had fallen into it, right? .. correction - You THOUGHT you fell into it. Sometimes such people leave you in all alone to fight the world and they unexpectedly they return. When that happens you think you'd be the happiest person alive - but surprisingly, you are not! That's when you realize though there are pieces of it within you, but it is not worth all the Love you'd to offer, all the care and trust you were willing to give and receive. Life teaches an important lesson - "your people" will never leave you, at least never in times of pain. You may try to forgive - Forgive you can, Forget you cannot. :)

Always wanted to go on a long ride to a place unknown - and that day was today - the first of my life. Early morning bicycle ride to Chintamani temple in Theur, a place located near Pune is now itched in my memory as my first ever bicycle trek. I total enjoyed the journey.. lush green meadows, dogging our way through the herd of cattle, struggling upward on the highway and then letting go of everything while going downward, kids waving us as we pass by, stopping by the stream to admire it and click our snaps, locking our bicycles together thrice at the temple fearing theft ;) , encountering a rough road and then walking through it, bumping into my friend when I couldn't control the speed going downhill (wasn't that scary though :P), enjoying poha and potato vadas with chai at a halt, making way through the traffic on reaching city and finally reaching home with a smile on face. Interesting Fact : The name Theur originates from the Sanskrit word Sthavar meanin...

Go.. go wherever you wish to. Away, away from the world where I live. Far, far away, where I'll be unable to catch a glimpse of your shadow. There's no movement within me - all Still, which is what I fear. The ocean is usually still before a storm. A storm that washes away everything. But there is nothing within to be washed away - its empty. And it is by choice that I want to be left this way - Empty from Within. I don't have anything to give There's just nothing inside At some point in my life Everything just went and died I'm empty, I'm hollow, unoccupied I'm just a walking ghost I rattle and shake as I walk As a human I'm just broke I have no heart.. its gone missing Along with my soul My thoughts and feelings have run away And left me with a black hole   There's nothing to give.. There's nothing to take I'm on the edge about to crack I'm never going to find where I am Empty and never coming back... ~ Extracts from Kate Emma ...